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(14) Heart and Egg
A three-year-old could have done this drawing; I think that’s about the psychological age I was when I completed it.
The heartbeat is the basic rhythm of the body, and I was constantly concerned about whether mine would keep going. I thought I had drawn some kind of heart when I finished this image, but when I look at it now it looks more like an egg.
When I could summon enough energy to work on the computer again, I searched far and wide for help of two kinds: I sought information about how to avoid having another heart attack; and I searched for people who could help me understand and work through my traumatic condition.
One kind person who responded immediately to my e-mails was Mala Cunningham, a cardiac psychologist working at the University of Virginia. Besides making sure that I was breathing properly to reduce my anxiety, she strongly encouraged me to find some kind of spiritual path to connect with.
Organized religion and I had never made much of a connection. As I child, I used to hide my good shoes on Sundays as a tactic to avoid going to church. (Now, in my view, going barefoot to church might be just the right, simple and humble thing to do.)
To me, the most attractive religions are those embracing the belief that each person is capable of experiencing and understanding God directly and personally. This is the Gnostic approach in Christianity, the Inner Light in the Quaker religion, the Atman as an animating force in Hinduism, the concept of the Self in Jungian psychology.
The imminent possibility of my death was precipitating a spiritual crisis.
February 26, 2007
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